| If I could go back in time, I would change a few things. The way I treated you, the way I handled certain situations, the way I said things..

I know I can't change the past. I can't erase what has already happened. I just wished I knew how to fix things. To restore things back to the way they used to be.

Somehow I will work up the courage to apologise and to rekindle. I don't want to continue being the way I am right now. I've grown cold and exclusive, I've shut you out. You, whose great loyalty and companionship has been rejected and unappreciated.

This is not who I am.. it's not who I want to be.

I want to let you know that I'm still willing to listen. I'm still here for you. I genuinely miss you. I miss your presence, your bright smile, your funny albeit lame jokes.

When I summon up the courage to talk to you again, I hope that it'll work out. If it doesn't, I won't blame you. I've been a horrible excuse for a friend.

Labels: Awkward Truths, Feelings, Sorry

|

STNBS: Hey Jen.. I lost my contact.
Me: Huh, wasn't it in your eye?!
STNBS: Err.. yeah. It just fell out. *Looks around table*
Me: LOL!
STNBS: This isn't the first time either.

Today was a good day. Ogay? Yeah, k! La la la la la la la la la la la!


Mmmhmmm.

Labels: Feelings, LOL-at-YOU-ah, Thanks

| Sometimes I feel like I don't get any from you.

Labels: Feelings

| I have finally come to my senses and dusted off my Bible today (The Message). I had the opportunity to hang out with Aspen, Chris and Duy after Bible Study for a brief catch-up. There was a lot that I learnt from them but the most important was what they had to say about God. That was when I realised that everybody feels a little disconnected sometimes but God will always be there patiently waiting. I felt the willingness to read the Word again and flipped to James as Chris and Duy recommended.

I like reading The Message because theres always a short and sweet introduction for each book of the Bible. For James, it goes like so:

When Christian believers gather in churches, everything that can go wrong sooner or later does. Outsiders, on observing this, conclude that there is nothing to the religion business except, perhaps, business - and dishonest business at that. Insiders see it differently. Just as a hospital collects the sick under one roof and labels them as such, the church collects sinners. Many of the people outside the hospital are every bit as sick as the ones inside, but their illnesses are either undiagnosed or disguised. It's similar with sinners outside the church.

So Christian churches are not, as a rule, model communities of good behaviour. They are, rather, places where human misbehaviour is brought out in the open, faced and dealt with.

The letter of James shows one of the church's early pastors skillfully going about his work of confronting, diagnosing, and dealing with areas of misbelief and misbehaviour that had turned up in congregations committed to his care. Deep and living wisdom is on display here, wisdom both rare and essential. Wisdom is not primarily knowing the truth, although it certainly includes that; it is skill in living. For, what good is a truth if we don't know how to live it? What good is an intention if we can't sustain it?

The idea that church is a holy place open for only the holy is highly pretentious. Why would Christians segregate themselves from the very people that God has created? I didn't know what to say the other day when I handed out flyers for an upcoming youth outreach at my church and had some handed back. When I asked why, friends would say that they weren't Christian therefore they weren't able to come. But 'outreaches' are out reaches to Christians and non Christians alike. Churches aren't an all exclusive meeting place. They are open and free for all to come in.

Back to my issue of 'displacement', I've found my place again. I can't explain what I felt and why I felt it, all I can say now is that when my relationship with God is weak, so are the rest of my relationships. I think I want to be a Christian counselor.

Hoping everyone is feeling alright, and if you're not all too well, you have the comfort of knowing that everybody gets a little down sometimes.

Why do we fall Master Bruce? So we can learn to pick ourselves up again.

Labels: Feelings, God

| Mood: Reflective.
Music: Keane - Everybody's Changing.

Ironic that I should be listening to this song right now.

So little time
Try to understand that I'm
Trying to make a move just to stay in the game
I try to stay awake and remember my name
But everybody's changing
And I don't feel the same.

As you may or may not know, I've been on a Ski Trip at Thredbo for the past week. I wouldn't say I have a fiery passion for snowboarding, but it is truly an exhilarating experience to glide down a mountain of snow with or without the company of others. I won't meddle into the details of the 4 days I was away but I will say that it was well worth the $615 (that I fundraised half of). Might I add that Nintendo DS is a saviour when it comes to enduring coach rides that last a good 7 hours. Mario Kart is a group favourite :)

So when you're away at the snows for a week, naturally you'd end up missing out on a lot of the things happening back at home. It's a good reality check when you find that the world does not revolve around your presence and that it continues orbiting the sun when you're gone. Post-camp, I felt a tad disoriented so I skipped yet another day off school due to an aching body. Today I resumed my schooling and gosh, I was slapped in the face with news left-right-and-centre. Love lives, work lives, home lives, school lives, almost-end of lives, and end of lives.. A lot happens in a week. So much news to take in I felt like I was going to burst! So after the natural high of good gossip, I felt withdrawn, felt the repercussions of being MIA.

Then I noticed that.. I didn't really try before this Ski Trip. I didn't try to keep up and genuinely know how people were. I was too self-absorbed with my own issues I ignored everyone elses. I've changed a lot, I don't self-disclose as much as I used to. I even avoid hanging out with mates sometimes cos I know I'd have to open up and share things. I hope it's just a phase, I do favour feeling close with other human beings. I haven't even blogged because I don't want to talk. What's to say? Too much. Far too much.

But just because I don't want to talk, doesn't mean others would feel the same. So I've learnt my lesson: it's time to show others I really care. Maybe you feel the same. Stuck in a hole you've dug yourself into. Reach out your hand, someone will take it. You are never alone.


--
P.S. This was for Chrissy. And other loyal readers. Thank you for your support :)

Labels: Feelings, Lessons, Sorry

| Mood: Lethargic but with strange buzz for blogging.
Music: B2K - Everything.

It's quite ironic that my blog has been inactive for a few days because there has been so much I've wanted to blog about. There are a bazillion mental notes sitting in my brain drawers containing, "Blog about this!" and "Blog about that!" I've also got a few draft entries hiding in my blog list. To make life easier for me (and for you), this entry will be separated into days.

---
Friday, 20th June: "If You Have Nothing Nice To Say, Don't Say Anything At All."

Today I overheard a malicious conversation about a particular friend of mine. A few girls in my year had bones to pick with her but decided the best way to deal with it was to gossip about her. They didn't like her confidence and were most likely jealous of her success in most subjects. I wish I didn't have such great hearing skills (!) The girls just happened to be sitting in the row behind me, which was within close proximity from my seat.

I felt so helpless; if I stood up for her I'd be told to mind my own business but by staying quiet, I wasn't being much of a good friend. Mind you, this girl isn't someone I hang out with all the time but she has become someone I love and trust. She is a genuine character and the things that have been said about her were way out of line. I was planning on telling her but.. if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. At times like these, I offer the situation for the work of divine retribution aka karma.

I do believe that everything you do has a consequence; sometimes the payback comes back straight away, sometimes it takes a while to arrive. But whatever it is, it will come. Depending on what you did, it could be real nasty or real nice.

So be careful what you indirectly wish for.

---
Saturday, 21st June: "Make A Decision!"

My Youth Group attends a 'Bible Study' every fortnight on Saturday nights. Bible Studies are when we pick out a relevant topic/ issue and look to the Bible to find a resolution or wise words to enlighten us Youth on the situation. This particular study was on 'Making Godly decisions' i.e. choosing what is best for you.

Today's Youth sadly fall into the trap of Peer Pressure in hope to fit in with the popular crowd. Sometimes we make choices based on what others want or what they think is socially acceptable. Conformity only works well within groups but as individuals, we need to stand up for what we believe in. Some decisions we make could affect the rest of our lives, so why base them on what others want when the outcome ultimately affects you?

There are 2 types of peer pressure: the 'in-your-face' pressure and the 'that's-what's-expected-of-you' pressure. The difference between the two is that one is direct whereas the other is indirect. Either way, the pressure is still there and has to be handled well. Christians aren't immune to these things. Some people have this weird idea that by being Christian, you are strong and firm in your belief and that petty issues such as peer pressure don't affect you. Wrong. So wrong.

Christians still get affected by peer pressure but most cases involve different issues rather than drugs and alcohol. Sometimes we feel that we've got this high standard that is impossible to reach or that we're constantly looked at to set good examples, to be 'the good ones'. Shouldn't we all be 'good' in the first place?

Whatever the decision is, you've got to do what is honorable. In every situation, there is always a choice so when it comes down to the decision-making, the choice you make should be the one that you feel is the best, not what the social norm is. Most of the time you'll need someone with experience to talk to, remember that you're never alone. I'm fortunate enough to have a fantastic support network of friends ranging in age and opinions. Not only do you have friends, you have parents, relatives, agencies like Kids Help Line :)

The best solution to any situation is to speak up and be honest.

---
Sunday, 22nd June: "Sometimes It's From The Ignorant That You Learn The Most Valuable Lessons."

For the first time in a while I was able to catch up with a few friends and update each other on each others' lives. These friends were elders and it surprised me when they revealed themselves to be quite vulnerable and in states of confusion and unrest. Upon hearing such news, I surprised myself with the advice flowing out of my mouth. I don't know where I get my words of comfort from but I do find it easy to articulate what others cannot.

I'm not ignorant but I'm not wise, either. I basically vomited out what others have been saying to me all these years. I was being a parrot. Memory served me justice!

When I went home to think about my day, I realised that sometimes it's from the ignorant that you learn the most valuable lessons. A child's innocent view on love for example:

♥ Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they've know each other so well.
♥ Love is when mommy sees daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross.
♥ If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate.
♥ Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.
♥ When you tell someone something bad about yourself and you're scared she won't love you anymore. But then you get surprised because not only does she still love you, she loves you even more.

Their view describes genuine, selfless love. The kind of love we should be practicing. But our view on love has been tainted with bad experiences and bad movies. It all turns around when we listen to a little one and start to see what they can see.

Try talking to someone years younger than you about something deep ASAP! It'll refresh your mind.

---
Monday, 23rd June: "The Best Comebacks Come After The Conversation Ends."

Don't you hate it when that happens? You know what I'm talking about, when you're getting chopped by the other person in a Battle of Wit then you go home to have a sulk and think of all these crazy comebacks.. hours after the conversation has officially ended.

Let's rewind back to school, during Senior lunch:

[Deputy is on playground duty while eating a healthy sandwich containing lots of greens. Jenny is sitting down on the oval to bask in the sun with friends.]

Me: *Squints up to Dep.* Nice sandwich sir, looks healthy.
Dep.: Nice nails.
Me: *Looks down at bright red digits* Oh.. it's a condition I was born with. [Christina gets up and plops a v. healthy chip on Dep.'s v. healthy sandwich. Dep. takes a bite.]
Me: Awww, how romanticcccc (!)
Dep.: You think that's romantic young lady? You've obviously been romanced before (!)
Me: Oh, I'm quite the hopeless romantic sir.
Dep.: Ha! You've probably never been taken away, have you? *Turns to Khanh* Would you take her away?
Khanh aka Ex. boyf.: Uh..
Dep.: Yeah, *turns to another guy*, how about you?
Other guy: No..
Me: *Dies inside* Gosh sir, thanks a lot.
Dep.: Do you even have a boyfriend? [Group sniggers]
Christina: She has me!
Me: Uh, yeah.. I'm a lesbian.
Dep.: Well, that makes sense.
Me: *Eye rolls*
Dep.: No, really. Do you have a boyfriend?
Me: No.. not yet.
Dep.: Figures.
Me: Excuse me? What if I said YES?
Dep.: Then he's desperate. [William walks up and sits next to me. I tell him to go away. He stays.]
Dep.: That your bf? Oi, dickhead, asked her out yet? [Group laughs]
William: Uh.. no.
Me: *Dies inside*

Then Deputy aka 'Sir' told the group that he done the exact same thing to another student years ago and the couple are now happily married with 3 kids for 15 years.

From end of lunch onwards I replayed the scene in my head and came up with kick arse comebacks. Put me in a crappy mood :( But then I was happy again once I thought about the subject matter. Ahh :)


---------------
That was basically a week's worth of blog content in a 'nutshell', so to speak. I hope you can get something out of it :)


You know you love me,
xoxo

Labels: Feelings, Lessons, Recap

| Mood: Very happy.
Music: MGMT - Time To Pretend.

Have you ever wondered what your life was like in someone else's eyes?

Just yesterday, I had a terrific discussion with my Biology classmates. It started off as an update on each other's lives (particularly love lives) but the conversation was then thrown into the deep end as we shared opinions on issues we might have to deal with in the future. Such issues were "How would you react if your teenage daughter told you she got pregnant?"; "What would you do if your child turned out to be a homosexual?"; "How do you deal with a child abusing drugs?"; "Would you force your child into sharing the same religious belief?"

Everyone had their different opinions and I was refreshed by the honest and diverse answers my friends shared. Discussions like these really open your mind. The deep topic drained out as we drifted to possible baby names and ideal family structures. Perfect partner then became perfect family > babies > sex. A friend asked Nat & I what we thought about 'sex before marriage' (we were asked that question because of our faith, Catholic & Christianity respectively.) Nat nodded and said she values that view point, I elaborated:

When you get married, you are promising yourself to your partner. You swear by oath that you would never leave, always love them, always be true. Marriage is a big deal. I am appalled by what society has turned it into, what is up with the 5 minute marriages in Las Vegas? Marriage is something life changing, and should take years to decide upon. Once you marry someone, having sex with them is how you express your love for them. It is a gift no one else can give them but you. I am disgusted that sex is seen as 'dirty' and as 'play'. It is an intimate celebration of love between two beings. Pornographic films and novels have exploited this celebration and distorted it to an activity.

People think that waiting until marriage to 'have sex' is idiotic and a waste of time. A waste of what time? Precious sex time? This time in between being single and being married is to find that very person you will spend the rest of your life with, so you can experience an immense and extraordinary feeling of love and express it in a way no other can.

Everyone went a bit silent. They were amazed at the words that just came out of my mouth. They thought it was incredible/ deep/ thoughtful. That was when it occurred to me that my life and life in general is seen very differently through other's eyes. My perspective on sex isn't outlandish to me but it is to some of the people around me. That afternoon I wondered what my life looked like in someone else's eyes. I've always wondered what it'd be like to "live in another's shoes."

Wouldn't it be nice to own a sweet little invention that made that possible? But until then, we should all keep our minds and hearts open to give and take different opinions and perspectives. By doing so we will have a greater understanding ourselves and our society.

You know you love me,
xoxo

Labels: Feelings, Lessons, Rant

| Mood: Introspective.
Music: Usher's album, Here I Stand

Yesterday at church, I learned that your emotions are 'purely chemical reactions that take place in your mind'. If I asked you to feel angry right now, you would instantly think of something that makes you angry and you would feel it. If I told you to feel loved, you would think of something or someone that you 'love' and you would feel loved.

That would explain why we go on 'emotional rollercoasters'. During those rough times when we have so much going on in our life, we think about a million things at the same time; things that conjure up different feelings. I've had people come up to me and compliment me on my optimistic character. Comments like those are exactly the reason why I'm happy most of the time. I have no secret, I actually do make an effort to focus on positive things because the negative things get you nowhere. It makes sense - I think about good stuff in order to feel the good. But I am human. I've had terrible weeks but in the end, I realise that I've been wasting precious smiling time! :)

'I feel horrible, there's nothing good in my life!' Rubbish. We all know that we don't know everything, correct? Maybe we don't feel the love because we are unaware of it. You can't think of something if you don't know of it. Therefore you wouldn't be able to feel the feelings connected to that thought. I'm telling you now, you are and always will be loved. Every single one of you, reading this. Often we are all loved more than one being. But I believe in one being who has always loved me. God has and always will love me. Knowing that makes me feel loved. Yesterday's sermon was a good reminder of that.

Another good example would be your parents. Sometimes you don't feel their love because it seems as if they don't care. How can a parent ever possibly not love their child with all their heart? Just because you don't feel it, it doesn't mean it's not there. Maybe you're not feeling it because you're simply unaware.

They say 'ignorance is bliss' but 'with knowledge comes strength'. Ignorance only comes in handy when you don't want to know bad things. What about all good things? Wouldn't you like to be informed on all that? Unfortunately, we can't hand pick all the good things we want to know. (Unless you're thinking about a uni course.) As we age we experience a lot and gain knowledge from that. Sometimes its good to know, other times it bad. But it's through knowledge that we can think for ourselves. And by thinking, we feel.

Where am I going with all this? I wanted to share this piece of information for you to think about. Perhaps this will help you tackle future obstacles in life. Perhaps this will help you overcome a current issue. Perhaps you knew all this already but needed a reminder. The way you feel all comes down to what you're thinking about. So think about good things, it's not hard. Every cloud really does have a silver lining. If your problems are too big to overlook, talk to a friend. Different people offer different perspectives. With their different opinions, it can put your problem in a different light and as a result, you could think about it differently. It could become a smaller problem.

Set some time aside tonight and conduct a session of introspection. Look inside yourself, examine your thoughts. Which thought is dominating your mind? Is it good or bad? Then make a decision. Do you still want it to consume you? Or are there better things to focus on? (Nice calming music should help you out. I recommend Coldplay's old music.)

You know you love me,
xoxo

Labels: Feelings, God, Lessons

| Mood: Frustrated. Less than perfect.
Music: Shiver/ God Put A Smile Upon Your Face by Coldplay; Be Be Your Love by Rachael Yamagata; Sleeping In by The Postal Service; November by Azure Ray


I am a human yo-yo. Watch me go on a rollercoaster ride.

Uh, "lesson learnt"? I am crazy.


Maybe you clicked on my link to find something enlightening or humorous. Guess this guy will have to do:



Cheers.

Labels: Feelings, Youtube

| Song of the day/ week/ moment: Speeding Cars by Imogen Heap.



Personally, I don't relate to this song in a bf/gf sort of way. I think this song is more of a conversation with a best friend who is in need and the singer is reassuring them that it's okay, life has it's ups and downs and that they love them anyway. Whatever the friend feels bad about, it's 'okay by me'. So just a nice little shout out to the dearly beloved;

There, there, baby
It’s just text book stuff
It’s in the ABC of growing up
Now, now, darlin’
Oh don’t lose your head
'Cause none of us were angels
And you know I love you, yeah

I love you all like no tomorrow. Thank you for the birthday wishes, they mean more to me than any material present in the world. Thank you for good times and bad times we've shared; the good have definitely out weighed the bad. I have grown so much with your love and support. I thank God for putting me on this earth so I could experience the richness of friendship. Either I'm having a bad case of lethologica or there really aren't any better words to express my gratitude other than Thank You.

What else have I learnt today? That no matter what age you turn, you'll never feel any different!! I'm 16 and I still feel like I'm 8. Ha. Oh and hugs are totally underrated. Give someone a hug now!


You know I love you,
xoxo.

Labels: Feelings, Music

| Translation: I am sorry.
For not posting.
My fingers are 'too gay to function'.
Will make amends.
Later.

Labels: Feelings, Sorry