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Don't it always seem to go that 'you don't know what you got, til it's gone'?

Monday, May 19, 2008, 8:39 PM
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Like, youthful innocence for example. I started organising my table contents today, since y'know, organised work table = organised work life. Duh. The cleaning up took longer than expected as I delved into the forgotten realm of my younger years (I'm talkin' primary to teenybopper Year 8 years). I was happy and sad at the same time; happy because I've rediscovered these documents and sad because it's collected dust from the past. I also uncovered some pretty 'hectic' primary school photos:

(Click to enlarge)

I used to be cute, right?

Wicked shot. I even done my own hair that day.

For your own amusement.

I had this mega crush on that blonde, 2nd row, 3rd from the right.

MmMmm. I have this vivid memory back in the days when you had to elect Class Presidents in Primary. Half the guys got up and faced the whiteboard as the remaining students raised their hands to show the teacher how many students wanted a particular to become the Male Class President. Among my friends, the plan was to raise all our hands to elect Chris cos he was like, uber popular. The boys stood in alphabetical order and since Billy comes before Chris.. I raised my hand for Billy. Aaaaaaaah! I thought. And to make matters worse, I was the only one to raise their hand for Billy. Ha.


Hawt.

There was this phase where curly hair was the new freaking black so I begged my parents for curly hair. My wish was granted on one condition: that my father would have to take me. I knew this was entering a danger zone (for those who know my embarrassing father)but c'mon, it's curly hair! 2 hours later I came home with a perm. Dandy. Anyways, this is a few months later and I guess I got the curls I wanted. Except during this time straight hair was in. Gosh. P.S. Ignore the marks on random faces. My sister went crazy with permanent marker. And no, that is not a heart between my portrait and the guy diagonally across from me :)

--
Back to my desk clearing, as I rummaged through the past, I took particular interest in my academic progress over the years. I sure was a bright student from the very beginning (in all modesty). My average was an A and my lowest was C (for stupid Agriculture. What. The. Yeah, I used to go Hoxton, we had a farm at the back. We sophisticated!)

I was a total nerd in Year 8, esp. in English. One day we had to write a mini essay based on the phrase "How I Chose To Live My Life":

'The Lord is my Shepard, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside quiet waters, He restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and staff comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.'

- Psalm 23:1-6

Christianity. My religious belief. Ever since I left my mum's womb on the 29th of April, I was a Christian. I believed in my Saviour, my spiritual Father, Lord Jesus Christ. Yes everyone had their beliefs: Buddha, Virgin Mary, Jesus, Santa Claus, leprechauns yadda yadda. Not necessarily all religious, but something to look up to, to look forward to. Santa equals to Christmas and the Easter Bunny equals to, well, Easter. My point is, Christianity shapes my life. If not for Jesus, us Christians believe that without His resurrection we all would've died in our sin. But not everyone is Christian, so not everyone will believe this. But I do.

Being Christian lets me have a reason to have faith in something that I cannot see, that I cannot hear. Being Christian gave me my many church friends. Being Christian opened my eyes to the greater good. I know the 10 commandments are there to follow and that the Bible is there to inspire. I know that I should love thy neighbour, that I should love my enemies, as I love myself. I know prayer is love through words to God. By knowing this, I know that bring good is way better than being bad in the long run.

People think that being religious is a disadvantage in your social records because if you're 'Christian', you automatically 'have to go to Church'. But I consider it as a privilege. It makes you feel good to sing songs of praise. People look up to you when you let loose and sing your heart out. (It's a sign of faith.) It makes you feel good when you are baptised. You feel clean and you feel ready to depend on God. You are cleansed.

God's words inspire me. They make me want to say and do something to make someones day. Sometimes when I'm down in the dumps, I think of what God would do. I've experienced many challenges in life, but God helps me out. I might not have hard proof of what God has done for me but it's nice to think of all the wondrous things He's done in my life.

I've experienced this one time when ______________. I saw it with my own eyes. With the help of my Pastor and his wife, they comforted my family through the words of God. ________________________. When I look back, I thank God that my family hasn't fallen apart like in those sad movies. My mum says she'll never leave my dad for anything. She thinks that her children will grow up screwed. Nice one, mum. I do admit that my family has the occasional biff but we get over it.

As Forest Gump goes, 'Life is a box of chocolates. You never know what's inside it' (or something similar). I agree. You never know what's around the next corner. At least I know God will be there for me with every step I take.

Yeah, total noobage. Who the heck uses 'yadda yadda' & 'way better' in an essay??!?!?! And who the heck forgets that Forest Gump line? There are many things I was too young to know better of. Like, those blank lines for example. I disclosed something very private in that essay (and yes, this essay was read out loud, by yours truly). Those were the days when you would tell the bigmouth your innermost secret because you thought your trust would change the size of their mouth (so to speak). Secondly, I don't consider myself 'religious'. To me, that is showcasing that you have a religious belief and that you think it makes you better than everyone else. Well, I say 'nay' to that sort of mentality. No one is ever better than anyone else. I truly believe that we are all equal - we all bleed red.

I have so much more to tell you guys about (i.e. more documents!) Ha, I embarrass myself! Til next time! ;)

You know you love me,
xoxo

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'Jenny Somebody'

Monday, March 24, 2008, 1:35 PM
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Woke up at noon today, oh, blissful long weekends. I'm in total holiday mood, can't believe I have to go school tomorrow. Ahh.

I switched on the tele and Channel 9's midday movie flicks on. It was Joe Somebody, a story of a man who was publicly humiliated in front of his workmates and daughter by the work bully after being punched in the face in the car park on 'Bring Your Kid To Work' Day. He slips into a depression and decides to redeem himself again and become a 'somebody' by getting fit and punching out the bully.

The moral of the story? Uh, tbh, I didn't watch the beginning, nor the end of this movie, I just bluffed the storyline with bits and pieces of what I read off the internet. But it was interesting how the guy wanted to be a 'somebody' in his workplace.

Don't we all want to be somebodies, not nobodies? Some turn to the vicious circle of bitching and gossip because after all, you're "no one until you're talked about".

Some dress up, dress down, trying to attract attention from the opposite sex (or the same sex, whichever floats your boat).

Some change their sexual orientation to fit into their crowd, or conversely, stand out.

Some become over dramatic, and over sensitise themselves to things happening around them.

Some act hyper active/ happy/ sad/ mature/ immature all the time.

Hey, it doesn't matter. At least you're somebody, right?

I find it wrong. It's like lying to not only yourself but everyone around you. Lie upon lie, you make up this person you think will make you noticed. You put on this persona, wear this mask, people notice you, success. Everyday you wake up, it's a new day! (... to not be me) You put on your mask, masquerade around as whoever you want to be.

What ever happened to who you are? You don't want to be noticed because of who you aren't. That's attention for all the wrong reasons. Wouldn't it be nice to just wake up and just be who you are? You'd definitely breathe easier since you won't have that 'mask' on you all the time.

It's okay to be you, you don't have to pretend. Life's not a masquerade, it's not a performance. It can feel like one, but it's definitely not. Life is.. life. You live it, don't act it. Who cares if that guy/ girl doesn't see you. You're probably just ignoring the other one who is secretly infatuated by your real self and hurts when you fake it. Who cares if you no longer fit in with your 'friends'. If they don't like you for who you really are, they're not worth your time. And who cares if you get weird looks for what you wear or how you wear it. I'm not saying that they're simply just jealous but they'd probably be envying your confidence.

Don't act to be a somebody, live to be you.


Oh, you know you love me,
xoxo.


iTunes playlist: Sarah Blasko's 'What The Sea Wants, The Sea Will Have' album. Repeats: The Woman By The Well; [Explain]; Amazing Things.

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What gives, what helps? The Intuition.

Saturday, March 8, 2008, 6:48 PM
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Feist has very good introspective music. So does Coldplay. And Death Cab. And Sufjan Stevens. And Aqualung.

.. Just in case you wondered why the heck I like them so much/ listen to them 24/7.

I'm quite an introspective being. To undergo introspection is to examine one's internal state, one's own mind, one's own feelings.

Maybe that's why I word vomit so much. I just have to say everything that I've thought of because there's so much on my mind. All the time.

And maybe that's why I like music so much. Because that's when I realise others feel the same way I feel and they express that feeling ever-so-melodic-ly.

Oh and, I just have a lot of feelings. Y'know? *Sniffs* I'm utterly emotional.

So what's on your mind, you ask? (Or you didn't really ask, I really don't care.) This question always overwhelms me because it just feels like theres so much to say and so little time. Or when I say it, it'll be old news. Or maybe that's when I realise theres not much to say. Sometimes its just one really 'small' thing, that is, just one thing, thats really bugging me.



So I reply, 'Oh.. nothing.'


Introspective music:


Feist -
Intuition
That's What I Say, Not What I Mean


Coldplay -
X&Y
For You
Your Love Means Everything Pt. 2



Death Cab For Cutie -
Brothers On A Hotel Bed,
Stable Song
A Lack Of Colour
Passenger Seat

Sufjan Stevens -
Concerning the UFO Sighting Near Highland, IL
Casimir Pulaski Day
We Won't Need Legs To Stand
The One I Love


Aqualung -
If I Fall
Extra Ordinary Thing
Strange & Beautiful (I'll Put A Spell On You)
Gentle


I know you love me,
xoxo

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I got lots of pictures in my head.

Thursday, March 6, 2008, 11:39 PM
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So today I was blog-hopping, as always, when one particular girl posted up a very interesting entry. It was inspired by a MySpace survey where the questions had to be answered with photos taken from photobucket.com. Rules are, you are to type your answer into the search bar then take an image from the first results page.

So here goes!:

1. What colour is your hair?



2. Single or taken?


3. Favourite artist?







4. Favourite movie?





5. Favourite TV show?





6. Live in an apartment or house?



7. Which celebrity do you dislike?



8. Which musician would you date?



9. What is your favourite scent?



10.What is your least favourite scent?



11. Favourite food?



12. Favourite fruit?



13. Favourite flower?



14. Favourite shoes?



15. Favourite sport?



16. One word to describe your ex.



17. Favourite alcoholic beverage?



18. Favourite sports team?



19. Where do your parents live?



20. Favourite quote?



21. What does your last text message say?



22.Favourite time of the year?



23. What underwear are you wearing?



24. How did you get one of your scars?



25. Favourite thing to do?



26. Your name?



So that's me in photos. What about you?

iTunes playlist: Heavily Broken (Live) by The Veronicas; Three Wishes by The Pierces; Hawaii by Meiko; Almost Lover by A Fine Frenzy


You know you love me,
xoxo

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"I just want to be me, Eloise."

Saturday, March 1, 2008, 2:20 AM
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So like, I totally conformed and created a blog. It's like getting a bob these days. Everyone is starting to get one!

But I think blogs are benefitial. One is able to freely express their sentiments (exactly!) anonymously (by creating a pseudonym) but I chose not to. What you see is what you get here. A lot of people tend to hide who they really are either by faking their idenitity or faking their personality. It's living a lie. Why would you want to live a lie? I understand, maybe you have something you want to keep hidden away or you think something is totally shameful but it's who you are. Do you want to hide yourself? Are you ashamed of yourself?

Let me explain my blog title - it's from a show called 'Me, Eloise!'



Its this cartoon that is currently aired on ABC, at 3:55pm on weekdays. I started watching it a week ago. I have no idea why but as soon as I set eyes on the tv screen I was drawn to it. It was the protagonist. She is bright and fun and ridiculously spoilt, it was like watching a celebrity (in 2D). But unlike most celebrities, she is true to herself.

There was this one episode where Eloise decides to go to school (she usually has a tutor). Due to her bratty ways, her tutor resigned. The school is private of course and her teacher is 'rawther' strict. (Eloise likes to pronounce rather as 'rawther'.) After 2 days of school, Eloise has a mini-breakdown. Her friend, Bill tells her to cheer up and to stay strong and that its the real world. (When I said spoilt, I meant: She lives is a freaking 5 star hotel plaza and does whatever she wants all day.) Bill explains that school has rules that everyone has to follow in order to be good students. Eloise replied with,



"I just want to be me, Eloise."


It was cute. Cute as in: that kid just said something so innocent and so honest that it makes us adults go, "Whoah. I wish I thought like that." Reminds me of this quote made by a 7 year old girl:



Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt. And he wears it everyday.


So simple, so true. It's so innocent but it opens something inside of us. Our hearts. Our minds. We stop thinking so narrow mindedly, so structuredly, thinking the way we were taught to - for a second, at least.

But me? I don't think the way I used to. I'm saddened sometimes by the depth of knowledge I attain. Heck, I sometimes wished I was a sponge living in a pineapple. Though, I do learn everyday. I'm ignorant and intelligent at the same time. I know so much yet so little. The smartest people are those who know they know nothing.

So who am I? I'm someone who enjoys the innocence left in this world. I rawther enjoy witty banter. I dig the show Me, Eloise! I love music. Really. I really, really do. Music is a freaking art. (Actually, yeah, it is.) But I said that with a passion! Anyone who has the same music taste as me is my soul mate. Well, my soul mate would have to at least like the music I like, or introduce me to artists I wished I discovered first. Yeah, I like to fantasize about love and all that jazz.

Artists I love: Death Cab For Cutie, Coldplay, Aqualung, Feist, Sufjan Stevens, Kate Nash, Lily Allen, The Postal Service, The Hush Sound, Imogen Heap/ Frou Frou, The Perishers, New Buffalo, Brooke Fraser, Sarah Blasko, Zero 7/ Sia Furler, Phoenix, Goldfrapp, As Tall As Lions.

The rest, I usually dig a song or two by them. Goodness, if you love all the artists I just listed - you must add me on Facebook/MySpace/ Bebo. Ha.

But I'm not all about music. I'm an amateur guitarist and amateur x100 singer but that's not all me. I'm a devoted Christian, but I'm a sinner. I'm still trying to find myself, really. And tbh, I sometimes doubt if God is there. But it's nice to know there's someone watching over us. And that there is a purpose to life.


Regarding my character, I used to be really nice. People say I'm nice now but I have my days. And sometimes I say things I totally didn't mean e.g. Can I please have a chicken roll? *Dammit! I've never even tasted a chicken roll before. I actually wanted a chicken puff. What the heck?!* But seriously, sometimes I just totally put my foot in it. And then I go home, and think. And contemplate becoming mute. Or sometimes, someone else puts their foot in it and totally crush me. But I don't say anything.

You see, over time, I've coated my heart with cling wrap. With every negative experience, another layer is wrapped around my heart. You see, my heart is still there, the cling wrap doesn't hide it. It just protects it from stuff coming in. Oh, but cling wrap is thin. Beautiful moments slash open the wrap, moments like eye opening scenes in movies, like hearing sweet little sentences, like waking up and looking out the window, moments like ..life. In all its glory. And I cry. I cry after I witness something beautiful.

People say I cry a lot. Well heck, theres a whole lotta 'beautiful' in this world :)

'Beautiful moments' vary from person to person. It all comes down to perception. If you see life through rose coloured glasses, you're like me. I'm happy. I'm content. I don't expect much. Humility goes a long way too. But some days I'm the opposite to all of that.

I'm way temperamental.



In case you haven't noticed, I rant. I'm afraid the length of this entry would be a turn-off. So I'll end it just here.

Thank you for reading all the way up til now. You must care a lot about me or are horribly intrigued. Well there's a whole lot more where that came from.


You know you love me,
xoxo.

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